The Maury Show: America's Finest

If this post turns out sad or depressing in any way, then there's something wrong with me.

Never before have I seen a show that has the same amount of excitement, drama, and plot twists as the Maury Povich Show.

Maury reruns are on every day at around 12 PM. I get out of school at 1:40 and usually make it home around 2 PM. School has many inconveniences, but none are greater than it hindering me from watching Maury on the daily. However, on my calendar, there are a few days (around once a month) circled. Most people I know call these "Early Release Days", but I call them trailer trash days.

"Bertha! Get the kids! THE PATERNITY TEST RESULTS ARE IN!"

That's because I go home, grab a bag of Cheetos and watch Jerry Springer and Maury until the cows come home (that sentence was amazing because it combined a common stereotype of people who live in trailers with some slang that the stereotypical people in the trailers probably use). So, Jerry Springer is good, but sometimes you just get tired of bitches ripping each other's hair out or the "Midget Fighting Championships" (real event). Sometimes you just want a little more drama, a little more suspense.

BRING OUT THE PATERNITY TEST!

A lesson in probability statistics

Poor lady, she seems like such a good person : (

People have been vying for the title of "the Great American Novel" for centuries. Some say it's Huckleberry Finn, others say it's The Great Gatsby or Walden. But there's no competition for "the Great American TV Show". It's Maury, hands down. Maury is everything that's great about America. A women can sleep with 11 different men and still have the opportunity to find out who the baby daddy is. That's right Canada! We look out for our people!

Who the fuck needs healthcare and peace when you have Maury?

 Paternity tests are a huge part of the Maury show, and one of its most compelling components, but my personal favorite segment is when Maury helps people confront their fears. Now, Maury may not be a psychologist, but he sure knows the best way to help people get over their fears. It's a multi-step process.

1) Publicly humiliate them in front of a studio audience
2) Show them a picture of what they fear, driving them to the point of insanity
3) The Boggart step-- actually bring out the thing they fear, causing them to run around the studio like a chicken without its head while their phobias converge on them until they finally go huddle in a corner and cry
4) Here, Maury yells at the people who are converging on the scared man or woman and tells them to "leave him/her alone!" The raucous audience seems to forget that it was he who ordered them out in the first place.

Fear--cured! oh, wait..... 

These methods are currently being tested for effectiveness at Guantanamo Bay.

Maury is a great show. It symbolizes everything that is right about America. When I come home at 11 o' clock on a trailer trash day and I open my bag of Cheetos and flip to Maury, I always remember Sri Lanka and the poor, depraved people there who wonder whether it was the 27th man who got them pregnant or the 28th. You see, world, in America, this question no longer needs to be asked. Thank you Maury.